By Erin Allen
This morning, I go under the knife for ACL surgery. To say the preamble to this has been an emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. I've cried, even had fits in public. I've been angry, so very angry. I've felt numb inside, the shock of it all carried with me up until the end. I've been frustrated, having to put my life and activities on hold even before the surgery.
I'm going into something unknown. My meniscus is also torn, and I don't know whether it will be repaired. If it is, that will add several more weeks to my recovery. This will also be the first major surgery I've ever had, so I have no point of reference to get me through. I mean, the doctors can explain to me every detail, but it still is like walking around with my eyes closed, not knowing what is in front of me.
At the same time, I realize how lucky I am. That I can even have this surgery and rehabilitation. That this injury isn't something permanent. That I'll get through this, be healed and be back to my normal self. That I will work my ass off in rehab and hopefully come back stronger than ever!
I've been playing roller derby for almost a decade, so the fact that this is the first real injury I've had says something, I suppose. And, so many of my derby sisters have dealt with this blow themselves and come out on the other side even better.
I know it's okay to feel bummed and to let myself be vulnerable. I know that there will be growth from this experience. Frankly, I know by tomorrow I'll be relieved, because I'll be past this initial part and on the road to recovery. I know that there will still probably be moments when I feel sorry for myself, because I'm in pain or prevented temporarily from doing the things I want to do and for needing help.
Oddly enough, I feel rather calm at this moment. The calm before the storm, I suppose. Hopefully it will last. I think a large part of the emotional whirlwind has been the anticipation, the waiting. Now there's an end to one thing and the start to another.
I plan to blog about my recovery journey as best I can. I'm hoping I'll find that writing about what I'm going through will be another way of healing. I also want to create something to look back on that reminds me nothing is insurmountable, that things will get better, that time and persistence will pay off.
See y'all on the other side in a few hours. Wish me luck!